“If only I knew then what I know now.”

It’s hard not to learn a few things in living a seven decades plus life.  In my case, and in many others, it is a matter of trial and error – with lots of errors.  So it is in looking back and thinking about the present that I have learned a few rules to nurture and sustain a marriage (or relationship).  What I learned to make the best marriage possible, and it applies to relationships as well, can be summed up in a few phrases, a few words.  They are not meant to be all encompassing but they go a long way in making a marriage work.  Here is what I learned.

Say ‘I love you’ every day, several times a day.  I don’t think there is anything more uplifting than hearing those words spoken and meant.  If you use the words but don’t really mean them, you need to be reading about divorce, not nurturing a marriage.  Also, saying, “You know I love you” doesn’t count.  If you really love your spouse those words of love should come as easy to you as anything you will ever utter in your life.  “You know I love you” ranks up there with a spouse picking petals from a flower while reciting, “He loves me, he loves me not.”  It leaves a spouse in doubt; only you can speak for you.

Say ‘thank you’ every time it is warranted.  Never take anything for granted.  When your spouse does something for you, they are displaying their thoughtfulness and caring about you.  If you had to do everything a spouse does just for you, you would probably be reading about divorce right now.  What is odd is that too often we seem more likely to thank a stranger than a spouse as if what a spouse does is our just due.  It is not.

Say ‘I’m sorry’ every time you do something you shouldn’t have or not done something you should have.  It is not a sign of weakness to say you’re sorry.  None of us are perfect, without failings.  The key is to be smart enough to know when you erred and apologize.

Say and act on “Can I help?  Let me do that.”  Modern life is hectic at best and sometimes overwhelming.  A marriage is a partnership, and in a partnership, both partners are responsible for getting things done.  Sure you have other things to do, but then so does your spouse.  It gives one a boost when a spouse can step in to help without being asked.  It sends a message that the two of you are in it together and are covering each other’s back.

So there are four important things I’ve learned about being married.  To the extend you’ve already known them, good for you.  If you haven’t thought about them, then consider them a leg up on making a lasting marriage. 

Oh yes, one final thing.  Everything above has to do with the present, the here and now, daily living.  If you have the good fortune to have your marriage go on for decades, there is one more thing you need to do that will serve you both well years from now.  Make some happy memories that you can share when you are old.  When today’s battles have been fought, when today’s wins and losses are behind you, thinking back to these days can bring you joy, happiness and laughter.  Then you can be proud for all you weathered and relish the retelling of all those old war stories.  It is then you will look back and be able to say my marriage and life was good.